Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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