I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
