So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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