UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
