Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
