Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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