My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
