I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
