If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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