He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
