You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Randomize
