Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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