He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
