good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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