You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Pants are for mortals
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