I want to walk on stilts...naked
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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