So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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