I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
