Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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