It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
