Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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