I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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