i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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