My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
