Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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