I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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