lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
