I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
