omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
