my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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