6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
