Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
