And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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