dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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