I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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