she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
