her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
