I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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