if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
