I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
