I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
