I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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