FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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