ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
