Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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