wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
