i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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