you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dignity is for republicans.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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