I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
