I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize