The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
