Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
As shirtless as possible
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
