Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
